Posts Tagged ‘women’

People do not change over night. You do not, you cannot, wake up one day and choose to be different than who you are. But you can change over time, gradually, sometimes so slowly, that you are a different person even before you realize it.

That realization comes later, from a word, a gesture or a thought. And it is quite profound when it comes.

I am a very open person. Whatever is happening in my life is known to multiple people at any given point in time. If they ever get together, they can weave a very detailed tapestry of my life.

It is here, on my blog, that I have been more reserved. People find it easier to speak out anonymously. I find it easier to share with people I know. No more. I made this blog so as to speak out. The only thing that has truly held me back is what I read somewhere – that once the words are out, they do not belong to the author, they belong to every reader and the interpretation is no longer what the author thought, but what the reader reads.

I have been depressed for nearly two years. It was a slide downhill ever since I got married. Discussing my marriage is not what I want to do today. But I learned a lot of things. I finally ‘grew up’. I lost the naivete and innocence I had had – without even realizing it. I was a shiny penny who thought the world only reflects yourself back to you. I learned that is not the case – and that I am a fool who trusts and loves too easily.

I am old school in all the wrong ways in a world which has moved forward. It sounds like so much self-justification but I am not listing my crimes or what was done to me. I have now felt real loneliness and I would never wish it on anyone. I have felt unrequited love and I hope no one has to go through this.

And I have changed. Today, I ranted on facebook:

To everyone wishing a #happywomensday and using said wishes to define women: a woman is a woman is a woman. Period. Its biology, not a mental state of being. Get over yourselves. I am a woman and I can celebrate that even if I am the worst excuse for a human being. Being a woman is not about being strong, managing family, having kids, having ANYTHING specific in fact, except ovaries (and not even that if you are trans). I will not celebrate getting out stronger when faced by problems, being the gentle and kind one. I refuse. Being a woman does not mean taking the high road. I am so so done with that.
Okay, rant over.

Because I am done. I changed. I am stronger, and it might be good in the long run – but I miss that innocence which I had. I miss my belief that the world was a genuinely good place – and that everyone has good intent, even if their actions do not match. I may have been a fool – but ignorance truly was bliss.

I have great friends. I have a very loving and supporting family. I have a doctor who listens to me. I have people who are willing to put everything aside and be there for me. I have that and now I know just how lucky I am to have it. I know that I was in situations where I could have been in real danger, except I was lucky that the people with me were decent human beings.

It is not about men vs. women. It is not about birth parents vs. in-laws. It is not even a husband vs. his wife. It is about nothing except fighting your own battles because no one else will do it for you. It is about growing up – because ignorance might be bliss, but at the end of the day, ignorance will only ensure that someone fools you.

I have grown up and it is today I am realizing that I have also grown a lot stronger. I knew the words, but now I finally believe: My happiness is my responsibility. My life is my responsibility. The world owes me nothing and it is up to me to make the best of the life I have been given.

I plan to keep growing, keep learning. I will not regain that naivete, but I will rebuild my belief that the world is a good place. I have changed and change is neither good or bad, it just is.

The Indian Constitution guarantees six fundamental rights to Indian citizens as follows:
(i) right to equality,
(ii) right to freedom,
(iii) right against exploitation,
(iv) right to freedom of religion,
(v) cultural and educational rights, and
(vi) right to constitutional remedies

Please note that these rights are for ALL Indian citizens. Gender, race, religion and even age, do not make a difference when it comes to these rights. They are the FUNDAMENTAL rights of all Indian Citizens.

The reason I am repeating it over and over again is because some people seemed to have forgotten this recently and might need to reacquaint themselves with the basic core of the Indian Constitution.

When broken down to the basics, the Constitutions treats all citizens as the same. Every aspect of it that in any way makes a distinction among these citizens is not because the Constitution sees them as different, but because they are the ones who are different from each other and the Constitution is trying to give them fair and equal treatment under the law.

Please note, that these fundamental rights include the right to an education. Everyone and anyone who prevents that, by word or deed, is unconstitutional. It can be the people banning girls from studying, the people who employ children and prevent them from going to school – I am sure everyone can think of at least one example of this. Did you know that a few centuries ago it was thought that the more a woman read, the less her husband’s age would be? And this was a belief held by many Hindus. It’s a surprise men aren’t dying out like flies after a HIT spray these days, considering how many have highly educated wives.

I digress. Back to the point in hand, sort of, we are all equal as per Indian law. In fact, there is a whole section devoted to ensuring basic human rights to ‘aliens’ as in foreigners while they are on Indian soil. So, the Constitution even ensures that ‘aliens’ are treated as humans. If actual aliens ever show up, we are prepared. And I am not kidding when I say this.

We are lucky to have a Constitution, no matter how lengthy, which tries to cover everything under the sun. It is a living document – with the use of the judgments of the courts, especially the Supreme Court and the Amendments made by the Parliament – it has done its best to stay up to date with the times. We are lucky, and if do not use it well, then that is on us, not the Constitution or even the Judiciary.

All of this leads to my main point. Since we all equal under the law, and since there is a surprising amount of homogeneity that we have come to expect from the law when it comes to our dealings with it – why should we think it should not extend to personal law?

If there is a property dispute and the people belong to different faiths, they expect to be treated equally. Same if there is a breach of contract. Then why should women (or men) who want a divorce be treated differently just because of their religion? Everyone has heard of how easy it is for Muslim men to divorce their wives, but do you have any idea just how difficult it is for the wife to get rid of a bad husband? And, if she wants to re-marry her husband, she has to first marry another man, sleep with him (consummate the marriage in nicer terms – but why to sugarcoat reality) and then divorce him. Only then can she remarry her husband.

Then, of course, there is the Hindu Act. A marriage is a ‘sacred bond’ as per Hinduism which lasts for seven generations. So the laws governing divorce are really stringent – no matter the reasons for said divorce. But, did anyone give the memo of ‘sacred bond’ to the husband and his family? The Supreme Court recently had to pass a judgment that a daughter-in-law could not be treated like a maid by her in-laws. They had to pass a judgment about this because that is how sad the condition of this ‘sacred bond’ is in our country.

How about equality – if a wife has to live with her in-laws because that is a ‘pious bond between son and parents’ – yet leave her own family for her husband – let’s make marriage illegal? After all, a daughter is the same as a son right? And what of people who only have a daughter(s)? Their daughters leaving them for a husband should definitely be illegal. After all, al offspring should be held liable towards taking care of their family – not just the one gender. And what if that daughter, who is an only child, does not earn? Should it not be mandatory then for her husband to financially take care of her parents? In fact, it should be mandatory for him to treat them as he does (would) his own parents.

Or you know maybe we could have communal housing with the families of the bride and the groom living together. No? If he cannot live with her parents, he has no right to ask her to live with his, especially when they treat her like ‘in laws’ and not a member of the family.

You remember all those movies where the heroine says ‘Is ghar me meri doli aayi thi aur yahan se meri arthi hi jaayegi.’ But frankly, why should one die rather than leave? Life is the most precious thing on this planet. Is a husband mightier than life? In that case, why are there no stories of a husband granting life to his wife? All the stories are about the wife saving the husband – just look at our mythology – every fast possible – a woman keeps for the long life of her husband. Let me know if there is even one time that a husband has to stay hungry for the long life of his wife.

I digress, again. I think the point is that we finally have things going in the right direction. We have people raising questions and not getting killed for it (for the most part). We have people trying to bring about a change. We have a judiciary that is standing up for the people. We even have a government that is cooperating. Let us make full use of it, just in case we lose this chance. Let’s speak up, let us make people hurry, let us help them open the road – one that will eventually lead to us all to possess our fundamental rights in actuality.

The road to hell is paved with good intentions.

I have no idea where that proverb initially comes from, but I do know it has been there for a few centuries. For good reason.

At their very heart, I do think that most people believe they are good – whatever form of good they believe in – and that their actions are correct.

They might, later on, realize that they made the wrong choice and feel remorse, or might not. But, the cartoonish villains who revel in their ‘evilness’ are not really all that common. We do have psychopaths and sociopaths, but then they fundamentally do not feel right or wrong. Even Hitler, I believe, must have thought he was doing the right thing while committing genocide. But just because he thought it right, obviously, does not make it right in the least.

With such an obvious example, I should be able to rest my case. Except that is not all that I am talking about. The general public, thankfully, does not get to commit genocide. But, they do commit violence on a micro scale. We do it. All of us.

Don’t believe me? Indifference and apathy can be just as cruel as actual cruelty, and words can cut just as deep as a knife – not to mention hurt far longer than any physical wound.  Here’s a few things to think on:

  • When was the last time you paid attention to the people who serve you – gave them a smile or even a thank you? Waiters, porters, ticket sellers – all those people who make your life easier?
  • When did you last protest when someone was being mocked for what  they had no control over – their looks, their education, their hometown, their color, their gender, their accent? Did you ever stop how you would feel in their place?
  • When did you say a word when your family/friends/associates last did/said something sexist/racist/classist?
  • When did you last question the conservative practices around you that degrade women? Did you ever stop and ask why a biological process that is the reason we are growing (at a rather alarming rate) as a species makes women impure? Yet the same women might have to face hell if they do not have children?
  • Did you ever tell someone that to treat someone as untouchable is not just harsh and cruel, but inhuman? After all, we are the same species. There is no stamp on our bodies at birth that makes one better than the other.
  • When did you last speak out when gender instead of merit played a role in the decision of someone’s future?
  • When was it that you spoke out against anything that you thought was wrong? Anything?

If you did speak out, thank you. You and those like you are the reason we have made some progress as a species, as a society. If you did not, try. It is hard. You will get hurt. But maybe, you will be the reason someone else will not have to face the same situation.

I know you mean well. We all mean well. We all can feel when something is not right – even if cannot put our finger on it immediately. I know it’s uncomfortable and so so hard to stand up for yourself, harder still to do so for someone else.

But isn’t it time we did so?

That 10 lane highway to hell is definitely paved with good intentions. After all, intention does not amount to much. It is your actions that count.

To be honest, I do not truly believe in Hell or Heaven. I think that what we sow, we reap in the here and now. While eternal fire may hurt terribly, facing the same hurt that your sent someone’s way does have a ring of poetic justice. It is a lesson brutally learned. And to be very honest, usually that brutality is well deserved. I guess that is the circle of karma.

I do not think it should be just about that, though. Maybe it should also be about being better people. About being humans in fact, not just Homo sapiens. Maybe if we step up, the next generation would face different problems and not be bogged down with the ones we were too cowardly to fix.