Posts Tagged ‘love’

Love me

Posted: November 24, 2016 by Arushi in Thoughts
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What is it about love that we crave it with such fierceness? That all acts committed under its name elicit at least a second, more forgiving, glance. Why is a crime of passion different from a cold blooded one. Why do we want it, and why do we change so much because of it when no other force would have moved us?

Why do we love? The hormones, the chemicals… why have they not been ‘evolved’ out of our system yet? Why do they exist?

Who besides poets and writers has ever appreciated it? What good does it do? Love, or the romantic notion of love, does it even exist?

There is no true love. Then why do we still look for it?

Why do we feel incomplete without it?

Why do we want it?

And how do I live without it?

 

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Picture Perfect

Posted: November 18, 2016 by Arushi in Thoughts
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All of us (anyone who is reading this, for sure) are leading a life on social media as well as ‘living our real life’. There are check-ins, reviews, photographs, quotes, status-updates, snapchats, instagram posts, tweets and many other ways in which we project our ‘real’ life onto our social media.

Our social media platforms are supposedly a mirror of our lives, the parts we want to share with friends and family, without actually sharing and the parts that we want to be public. Our opinions, our likes, our dislikes, our friends, the pictures of that party or feelings about that person, all out there in black and white for the audience selected by us to see. After all, this post is also a mirror of my thoughts at this moment about something. Would you like to know?

This mirroring of our lives is fake. I love social media. But. My friends only know what I choose to share. My family only sees what I choose for them to see. With one click I can restrict anyone and they would simply think me very reticent. Not only am I selecting the audience I am also tailoring the material, editing it.

We all lead such glamorous (comparatively) lives on facebook and instagram. We are always dressed up, always pretty (what else is the Beauty setting in cameras for) and always smiling. There is no inkling of what is behind that smile.

If I trust facebook, all my friends are happy, content, eating out at posh places, travelling, reading books, going out, getting married, having kids, dancing, drinking, loving and living the utopian human lives. But they are not. Not the ones I am actually in touch with. The ones I speak to in real life – have real lives apart from all of this. In fact, this is only a small part of their lives. They never mention how hard it was to smile for a particular picture in the comments, but they do tell me on the phone.

But what I see on facebook (because that is the only one I am really active on) is what I end up projecting onto it. A friend (an amazing friend) recently told me that she had thought I was happy, that everything was great, because of what she saw on facebook. Then we talked and now she knows how wrong everything is. She also knows better than to trust facebook now, especially when it comes to me. So she texts. She calls. She emails. She makes sure she knows what is going on.

How many of us would put in that much effort? I am not sure I would. For a while, yes. But for months she has supported me. Been my rock. Months.

It is not just this distortion. I feel like I must be doing something wrong. After all, I am the only one unhappy. Everyone else looks spectacular, fabulously happy and are having the time of their lives. Right?

Somedays I wonder if they are hiding their own share of problems. They probably are. There is no utopia. But on really bad days, I hope that this is all there is to them. That there are no problems. That at least someone out there is happy, is having the time of his/her life, is partying, travelling, reading, laughing, getting trashed, dancing madly, loving like a fool but not becoming one.

Hope.

 

 

Getting There

Posted: September 27, 2016 by Arushi in Thoughts
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I have talked about me multiple times on this blog. There is also a separate category for this – Thoughts. But I wonder if I have ever been bluntly honest. Usually I hide behind third person pronouns and rambling tags. It is so much harder to own up to my own mind than it is to pen my thoughts down.

I am halfway through Getting There by Manjula Padmanabhan. I think I got my courage and my inspiration to be so brutally honest from there.

I am not happy. I would say I am clinically depressed except I am not certain of the definition of clinically in this context. It just sounds more impersonal and more impressive than plain old depressed. I am having issues with my body image, with my sense of self. I am in a relationship – in a marriage – that has been rocky from before its inception. It is not that either of us is a bad person – but we are too different. In fact, somedays I feel we are as wrong for each other as it is possible to be. Somedays I love him more than life itself.

Our expectations, our ideologies, our attitudes towards gender roles – all of that is different. There is some deep level, where we have barely connected – except we did connect enough to still be together. I read a letter on a ‘psy-help’ website from a wife asking her husband – when will she be his first? As in, when, if ever, he will prioritize her – the way she has been prioritizing him from the moment they were engaged. She’s not sure he ever will. I am not sure he ever will, either. But then, I am not one of those who can keep on giving – asking for nothing in return. I am not that person. I do not think I could ever be.

To me, each relationship is a two-way street. So I gave up. That inner core of me which was happy – which loved him and just wanted his love, nothing else – has vanished somewhere.

Maybe I should try harder – maybe it is the ‘lot of women’ and someday my actions will make him understand what my words could never explain – but that is not who I am. So many people have tried to make me understand this. I do not. If you cannot put me first, I see no reason why I should do it – unless I still choose to. If you cannot love me how I love you, then you cannot complain when I change. What you cannot do for me or mine – you have no right to expect me to do for you or yours. If I do it – count your blessings – if I do not, then you better be fine with it.

I used to want the ‘whole package’ – husband, two kids – heck, I even wanted a white picket fence. Trying for that ‘perfect’ vision got me to understand that no matter how ‘perfect’ I try to be – I will never be good enough because I am just not wired that way and neither will anyone be able to meet my expectations from that pedestal. And being the person I am – I quit. It might have led to more rockiness in my relationships – but it did bring me closer to me. I studied closely what I wanted and what I had thought I wanted. That is one of the best things – for me – to come out of this whole thing. I no longer want kids. I do not even want a white picket fence – a house is so much harder to maintain – give me a spacious flat any day with a minimalistic decor. I now know I am happiest when I work – and I value my work over most other things in my life.

I have accepted that I am struggling with depression (and migraines – both existing in a symbiotic relationship) and no matter how much I want to blame others for it  – I too should have known not give anyone that kind of power over me. I know I will never make the same mistake again. There is no conclusion to this – because I am still here – still human in all my failings – with someone just as human who perhaps loves me too – otherwise why would he still be around?

In its unedited avatar – this post was too raw – one of the most honest things I have ever even thought of putting ‘out there’. Now it’s edited and still hitting that post button will be extremely hard for me. I am saying this here because where else would I say it?

Mr Right

Posted: August 23, 2016 by Arushi in Original Fiction, Thoughts
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This is not written by me, but by a friend, for, and to an extent of, me. Her blog is here, but this post is not.

It is better for the soul to remember the good, to acknowledge it, to believe in it and to relive it. To simply remember the good again and again and leave no place for the negative…

People are probably gonna ask me for the rest of my life “what was it about him?”.

Maybe one day I’ll come up with a better, more interesting answer, but the truth is I don’t know.

My parents wanted me to meet this guy and, out of respect for them – and because it never really crossed my mind that it would amount to anything – I agreed. After all, the worst that could happen was a short, awkward phone conversation.

They gave me his number and told me he was expecting me to call. I rolled my eyes as I dialed, wondering for how long they were going to keep trying.

He picked up after the third ring and for once, I couldn’t think of anything clever to say.

He asked me to give him five minutes of my time, so he could tell me a bit about himself, the kind of life we wanted and the sort of person he could see himself sharing his life with.

It took way more than five minutes, but I didn’t mind it at all. I could tell he was being honest and I found it incredibly disarming. And kinda sexy.

I couldn’t help but to be truthful as well, and ended up telling this stranger things very little people, if anyone at all, knew about me.

It took my phone beeping, to let me know the battery was dying, for us both to realize that five hours had passed since our first hello. I didn’t want to hang up.

The conversation had moved past the both of us and we had discussed our families, literature, politics, movies…

It was so very refreshing and I felt myself blush, thinking I could had forgotten everything and just kept on talking forever. But alas, we both needed to work in the morning and he promised we would talk again soon.

I decided I was going to marry him in the time it took me to say “goodnight”.

I took a deep breath and went to bed, wishing “soon” would come sooner.

U n I

Posted: August 21, 2016 by Arushi in poetry
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I dreamed of an us

An us who were content 

Living on a rooftop..

With nothing to our name

Joining each other, not just being present 

The wind blew my hair 

U smoothed it down

A gentler touch I had never felt

We didn’t want anything

We just were. 

I don’t know if we were happy

But we were together for sure

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Feyre survived Amarantha’s clutches to return to the Spring Court—but at a steep cost. Though she now has the powers of the High Fae, her heart remains human, and it can’t forget the terrible deeds she performed to save Tamlin’s people.

Nor has Feyre forgotten her bargain with Rhysand, High Lord of the feared Night Court. As Feyre navigates its dark web of politics, passion, and dazzling power, a greater evil looms—and she might be key to stopping it. But only if she can harness her harrowing gifts, heal her fractured soul, and decide how she wishes to shape her future—and the future of a world cleaved in two.

With more than a million copies sold of her beloved Throne of Glass series, Sarah J. Maas’s masterful storytelling brings this second book in her seductive and action-packed series to new heights.

A Court of Mist and Fury is the second book in the series A Court of Thorns and Roses by Sarah J. Maas. The first book in the series, A Court of Thorns and Roses, had a touch of inspiration from Beauty and the Beast, a fairy tale many of us are familiar with – at least the Disney version. It rises and builds up like a crescendo. Alluring, beautiful, intricate, stunning and filled with the shadows that have no place in Disney. At the end of it, Feyre saved her Prince Charming (or Beast if you want to stick with Beauty and the Beast reference) and was changed irrevocably in doing so. She is now a mortal soul in an immortal body. Her lover is an immortal High Lord of Faerie and she has saved him, and all of Faerie, from the clutches of evil. 

But now the first book is done and Feyre technically has achieved her Happily-Ever-After. Yet, everything is wrong. Because she is not who she was. She no longer needs someone to save her, instead she has already done the saving. She needs a partner, not a protector. Tamlin is wrong for her, and it is so so hard for her to see that, admit that, after going through so much due to her love for him. And Tamlin, he seems to love her, yet he cannot see he’s suffocating her, drowning her in his ‘protection’. Consumed by his own demons, he is letting what he needs take precedence over what can help her.

And then there is Rhysand: the High Lord of the Court of Night. He should be evil. He should be hated. He should be wrong. But he is the only one who seems to understand Feyre. Who is trying to help her be herself, to help her get out of the trauma of Under The Mountain. Who is saving her from herself and from Tamiln.

This book starts on a low note – building from where the first book left – but then it does start building and it is so much more complex, so much more layered than the the first one. Maybe because we know more about the world now and maybe because that is the difference between Rhysand and Tamlin. Where Tamlin is cagey, secretive and treats Feyre as less; Rhysand treats her as an equal, is honest and believes in her being her own person.

It is the difference between an abusive relationship and a real one. The other characters all have depth, have real pain, sorrow and the strength to rise beyond that. They do not overshadow each other but rather exist in a harmony.

Yes, the book is a fairytale. Because after Tamlin, there is a Rhysand. It gives hope that after an abusive relationship which you gave everything, which nearly killed you, there is a chance that you might find the person who is actually the other half of your soul. A person who makes you see not just the good in the world, but in yourself.

And maybe this is what all fairy tales should be: real, bitter, cruel but always with an edge of hope.

I recently read a book. The Court of Mist and Fury by Sarah J. Maas. The book is stunning, amazing and absolutely brilliant. I will post a review soon.

But.

But that book made me think. It made me low, it made me dissatisfied. It made me realize that to settle is not fair to me, nor is it fair to whoever I am settling with.

After all, I deserve better. I deserve to not settle. I deserve to be loved the way I love. I deserve honesty, compassion and above all, I deserve acceptance for who I am.

I deserve to find my Rhysand and to not try to adjust with a Tamlin for the rest of my life.

I deserve to know that just because it felt right at some point of time, but now, when I have changed, and it does not feel right, that does not make me a terrible person. It makes me human.

That it might work, but if it does not, that does not mean I am a traitor. That does not mean I am evil. It only means I am human. That I loved, and that love was not right, it was not enough, it was not..not..not.. just not for me.

And that even if I stay, even if I go nowhere, even if I try to be happy where I am, it is okay if in some honest corner of my heart I know it could be better. I am allowed my dreams. They are not a betrayal.

That does not mean I am not working on what I have. That does not mean that I am not trying to make it work. That just means that it is not a perfect fit. Maybe nothing is. Maybe this is the best I will ever find. But if someday the chafing gets to be too much, and I leave, then I do not have to hate myself. I can breathe knowing that it is okay to love yourself – to do something that is good for you – that lets you live – instead of drown.

And maybe this is something all of us should know. That it is okay to want, to dream and sometimes it is definitely okay to put yourself first.