Posts Tagged ‘friends’

Am I the crazy one?

Posted: November 30, 2016 by Arushi in Thoughts
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So, usually when everyone is going in the opposite direction as you, it tends to mean you are driving in the wrong lane. But is it that simple for life as well?

Are you sure I am the one in the wrong just because everyone is disagreeing with me? After all, is that not how the world changed, evolved? By people questioning standard practices? By people who did what they wanted to and ignored the rest of the planet and its opposing views?

My issues are not so big, not world changing. Then again, don’t you fill an ocean drop by drop?

I have a problem with people who say a woman is impure because she is on her period. If you are pro-birth (which you have to be unless you are interested in the extinction of humans – not an entirely bad idea) then what gives you the right to turn up your nose at the process that is proof a person can have children. And aren’t these usually the same people who think a woman is incomplete unless she has a child (or more) of her own?

I have a problem with people who say they have ‘given’ me freedom. I don’t understand. I was never yours to free. I am my own person. If I was a minor, there could be something you can give me permission for, especially if you were footing my bills. But I am not. Not a minor and not financially dependent on you. Who gave you the right to free me? I was born free, thank you very much. I am a citizen of a free country, and we did win Independencce in 1947. I don’t need your permission to be free.

I have issues with people who think its okay to tell me how to live my life. Its mine. My parents taught me to be me, not anyone’s shadow, not even theirs. They helped me take decisions, but never took them for me. Did you know, I named myself. I did. And they tell the story of how their three-year-old changed her name to her liking with pride.

I do not like people who think they can take away things from me because they think I should learn to go without. I can just earn them on my own. I never needed you to get them for me because I could not, I only asked because it would have made me happy that you put in an effort. Now I know better than to ask.

I do not tell people when I really like something they did for me. I thank them, but the depth of emotion I used to share – no more – except for a few very close friends. I learned the hard way that when you tell people you like something, you give them the power to take it away from you. I do not want to give people the power to hurt me. It is unfair to so many people who would never even think of hurting me this way, but better safe than sorry, right?

I do not fit the box so people try really really hard to push me into it. I am a woman but I don’t define myself that way. I am me, first and foremost. I don’t see people as their gender. They are a lot of things first – kind, loyal, rude, nice, mean, cruel – the things that matter. Gender really does not play that big a role into it for me. Now I have had to learn that its only me.

The first problem was so broad in scope and the last is so minuscule. To me though, they all matter a lot. Maybe not equally, but then again, is there any real equality available any where?

Maybe I am the crazy one. Maybe I am the one in the wrong lane. But I do not want to change. I do not want something as unilateral as gender to decide how I see people. I do not want to be pushed into a box – just to make other people comfortable. I do not want to use labels. I want to be me and I am okay with other people being themselves. I don’t need them to fit in a box either.

Maybe I am the crazy one. But I’d rather be crazy.

Picture Perfect

Posted: November 18, 2016 by Arushi in Thoughts
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All of us (anyone who is reading this, for sure) are leading a life on social media as well as ‘living our real life’. There are check-ins, reviews, photographs, quotes, status-updates, snapchats, instagram posts, tweets and many other ways in which we project our ‘real’ life onto our social media.

Our social media platforms are supposedly a mirror of our lives, the parts we want to share with friends and family, without actually sharing and the parts that we want to be public. Our opinions, our likes, our dislikes, our friends, the pictures of that party or feelings about that person, all out there in black and white for the audience selected by us to see. After all, this post is also a mirror of my thoughts at this moment about something. Would you like to know?

This mirroring of our lives is fake. I love social media. But. My friends only know what I choose to share. My family only sees what I choose for them to see. With one click I can restrict anyone and they would simply think me very reticent. Not only am I selecting the audience I am also tailoring the material, editing it.

We all lead such glamorous (comparatively) lives on facebook and instagram. We are always dressed up, always pretty (what else is the Beauty setting in cameras for) and always smiling. There is no inkling of what is behind that smile.

If I trust facebook, all my friends are happy, content, eating out at posh places, travelling, reading books, going out, getting married, having kids, dancing, drinking, loving and living the utopian human lives. But they are not. Not the ones I am actually in touch with. The ones I speak to in real life – have real lives apart from all of this. In fact, this is only a small part of their lives. They never mention how hard it was to smile for a particular picture in the comments, but they do tell me on the phone.

But what I see on facebook (because that is the only one I am really active on) is what I end up projecting onto it. A friend (an amazing friend) recently told me that she had thought I was happy, that everything was great, because of what she saw on facebook. Then we talked and now she knows how wrong everything is. She also knows better than to trust facebook now, especially when it comes to me. So she texts. She calls. She emails. She makes sure she knows what is going on.

How many of us would put in that much effort? I am not sure I would. For a while, yes. But for months she has supported me. Been my rock. Months.

It is not just this distortion. I feel like I must be doing something wrong. After all, I am the only one unhappy. Everyone else looks spectacular, fabulously happy and are having the time of their lives. Right?

Somedays I wonder if they are hiding their own share of problems. They probably are. There is no utopia. But on really bad days, I hope that this is all there is to them. That there are no problems. That at least someone out there is happy, is having the time of his/her life, is partying, travelling, reading, laughing, getting trashed, dancing madly, loving like a fool but not becoming one.

Hope.

 

 

 

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You can even see an itty bitty me in the corner…

To be very honest, I do not really have words to describe this place. It was so exquisitely beautiful, that I do not think I can do it justice.

As part of our tour (these guys – LetsGoKerala.in – planned everything ), we spent almost 20 hours on a houseboat in the backwaters. First there was the cruise, then lunch, then cruise, then mooring at this gorgeous spot somewhere in the backwaters, dinner, then the night on a boat amid all the comforts, then a morning with a view, breakfast and then a ride back. Then we went to Alleppey beach and from then, drove on to Munnar.

Except for the bare facts (stated staccato like above), I really do not have words. But then, I do have pictures. And as they say, a picture is worth a thousand words.

 

Travel Diaries: Bengaluru

Posted: September 12, 2016 by Arushi in travel
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The first thing that struck me about Bengaluru was the air. The cool, fresh air, with literally no hint of pollution, especially compared to Delhi. I loved it. I cannot remember the last time I was in a car with the window down, but that is what I did here – much to my own surprise.

The city is a sprawling metropolis and it took me over an hour to reach my destination. Throughout, I kept the window open, relishing the wind.

To be honest, I didn’t really see much of the city. Of course, the fact that I went from the airport to Marathalli to Yeshwantpur Railway Station and finally to Malleswaram means that I did see the whole city. The roads anyway.

Everywhere, there is a certain beauty, a touch of green amidst all the concrete. Maybe it’s me. From Rajasthan, I have grown up to really love greenery whenever I have found it around me. I adore the bright plants that crop up after rains, even though I know they’ll die soon enough. But in Karnataka, they don’t die. There’s water. It rains very often, without being muggy – a miracle to Jaipur born and Gurgaon living me.

There were trees that had grass – at least I think it was grass – growing on their trunks, their branches – like the straggly beard Captain Jack Sparrow sports.  There was moisture in the air, there was humidity – but it was lacking that sweltering quality which I had learned to associate with dark clouds. I could not have been happier.

Of course, while the weather may have been spectacularly different – or maybe I was lucky to visit at an extremely opportune moment – from NCR, the traffic matched the National capital on its best/worst days. Remember the huge Gurgaon jam due to the rains? I spent 5 hours traversing around 4 km. Well, Bengaluru had its own version which was just as bad. Bengaluru is just HUGE. Perhaps I still haven’t let go of those notions of Jaipur and Saskatoon where you can go from one end of the city to the other in an hour.

Also, the road to the airport was amazingly green. Beautifully landscaped with so many flowers in bloom – I kept trying to click pictures – knowing that the speed of the cab was not exactly allowing for it. I think maybe this road had a lot to do with my great first impression of the city.

And then there is the airport itself. Planes land and planes take-off. What is there to rave about, right? Mostly that is true but I liked the bright colours in the stores and I loved the fact that there was free WiFi even though I did not avail the service.

But you know what the best thing was about Bengaluru? My friends. I LOVED spending time with them. Seeing them, getting hugs, enjoying conversations that could be had over the phone but were so much better in person. Every moment I spent in that city is precious because of the people I spent it with. From the midnight conversations to the skipped lunches, from the travelling to the shopping, every moment was breathtaking because they joined me. Because I had them with me and know I will always have them in my life, no matter how far in between these trips where we actually see each other.

I need to visit again. Soon.

This year I turned 25. It’s not that special, I know. Everyone does it. But, it was awesome and it was special. Not for some huge bash that I threw or some great adventure that I planned. I did not even have a bucket list that I fulfilled in the months leading up to the big day, and I could have, I was that aware of the number.

What made it truly special was that I had turned 25. Just that. No frills required.

Every day of our lives is a gift. I am blessed to have had 25 years worth of days among so many good people that I am humbled at the very thought.

I have a family who have always loved and supported me. A large, extended family where I know people I’m related to even if sometimes we’re not sure exactly how we’re related. Then of course there are the people I am closely related to and absolutely adore. They were my first friends when I was growing up and they still know exactly who I am, and will always accept me, no matter what I do.

I am lucky enough to have met people who live halfway across the world and we became the best of friends. I spent years halfway across the world from my home country and I found a second home there. We were completely different and yet, even after I moved back we’re still friends. There is nothing better than knowing that someone you have not met in years, who lives on the other side of the planet, considers you a  friend.

To have lived far away from home and yet still know that the people I love have my back no matter what. Friends who I can always count on, no matter how far apart we may be. Who’ve been at my side for over a decade and who aren’t going anywhere.  That was and is another blessing.

At first it was friends back home and friends at Uni but now, I have friends all over the world. We may not talk all that often, but I know there are times when they think of me, just like I think of them. It might be a long while before we talk, but I hope that we’ll be able to pick up where we left off when we do.

I always wanted to travel, to be a citizen of Earth and somehow, to an extent I managed that. And I know I will do more to make sure I stay that way.

Everything always clicked in a way, an internship that was one of the best things to ever happen to me, mostly because of the one person who sat next to me. I found the best offices to work in ever, something that was as good as family, whether it was when I worked for my university or when I got my first real job after the above mentioned internship.  I have colleagues I trust, who seamlessly made themselves great friends.

It was amazing how things came together at the right time. You never expect everything to fall into place for you, and it does not. But sometimes it does and that moment is worth all of the effort that goes into bringing it. I remember a day, around two years ago when I realized that in that one moment, that one day, I was perfectly content with my life. It was going in the direction I wanted, I knew what I was doing, where I was going and what I wanted. Its not a moment that lasted, because as I evolve I do change and so do my expectations from myself, yet I am blessed to have had that moment once in my life before I even lived for a quarter of a century.

This is not about the future, but this is a thank you to everyone who made the last 25 years of my life so very special by their very presence. Thank you guys!! You’re awesome!!!

Changing Faces

Posted: October 27, 2013 by Arushi in Thoughts
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Yep the title sucks. I do so hate naming. This post is rambling and is has moved around from one thing to the next that has left me wondering just exactly how much I want to say, but I think I got most of it across, albeit laced with a bit of chaos.

Everyone has that one point of time, when they want to be alone. It might not be a long time, a few minutes to pull yourself together or to quietly celebrate or even time to just breathe. Sometimes we need more time, a few weeks, days or months when we want to be just ourselves. For a while we want to be free of the expectations, the hope and the responsibilities around us.

It is interesting that we are so good at being so many things and yet somehow we still manage to be ourselves. I have heard time and again that society makes us all wear masks and that eventually our real face vanishes.

Maybe. I do think we wear masks, but at the same time, its silly to think that our real face is just one face. After all, we might be at the top of the food chain due to opposable thumbs, but lets face it, there is more to our species than that.

I find it a bit silly to be honest that people (and quite a few of the ones I am talking about are brilliant in their own right) have such a one dimensional view of the human personality. Our ‘faces’ as so many like to say are used, reused and changed according to the situation and company. And almost all the times I have heard someone talk about this, they claim that this is a bad thing.

I am sure deceit is a bad thing. Not arguing with that. But why does a change in face means deceit always? Its almost the same as wearing clothes according to the occasion. Does it mean you are not sad if you dress properly for a funeral? Even if you did not know the person, even if you are ambivalent, is it deceit or respect if you manage to keep a sombre face? To some, especially someone who expects you to be sad, it might be deceit. But maybe to someone it might be respect shown to the dead the living who mourn.

There are so many of us who are honest, at times to the point of bluntness. Does that mean we have only one face? Hardly. I am different when I speak to a child, or to someone my age, older than me, different with my friends. Honestly, it has less to do with showing them different faces, and more to do with them bringing out different facets of my personality.

A twelve year old makes me talk endlessly about manga and a friend makes me do the same but regarding urban fantasy. Another friend and I talk about everything from clothes to biotechnology and while another tells me off when I am being an idiot. It just is.

There were many things that made me think about the honesty that is embedded even in our different faces and appreciate it. I would rather be adaptable, able to enjoy the company of those around me instead of being so stuck on one single image of myself that I ignore everything else. I would rather live, then get stuck on the idea of how to do it. I am trying and I will keep trying because there is no one point of success on this. It is something to always do, because life should not be allowed to pass us by. Especially not because we are burdened with what others think us to be or expect us to me.

Everyone has an opinion, I just can put mine out here.

Fixing People

Posted: May 8, 2013 by Arushi in Thoughts
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Yuumei - Scene from Fisheye Placebo

There are times, when you simply have to sit back and watch as things go wrong. Not because you want to, not because you don’t want to do anything about it, not even because you cannot do what needs to be done.

Simply because there is nothing you can do.

It does not have to be something huge, but it is something that makes your heart hurt. Something you want to fix, but there is no fixing it.

It is an awful feeling to figure out, maybe incorrectly, that someone you love is hurting. Then it feels even worse when you realize that anything you can think of doing will only make it worse. Fixing it is beyond you – absolutely.

Whether it is getting mad at a doctor because she cannot heal your friend quickly enough, or it is feeling like hell because you think someone else is not doing so good. You are helpless and all you can do is feel it. A wound will heal in its own time. So will people – they just might take longer. But it is them that you want to fix immediately. You can understand a wound taking its own time – you cannot understand them doing the same.

Yet, you can do nothing but let them know that you are there, even if they choose to not acknowledge your presence. Then again, there are times when you cannot do even that. You can do nothing but wonder how someone is.

Maybe, just maybe, you are the one paranoid and the person you are worried about is fine. Just fine and exceptionally busy. That is so much better – only if you can keep the thought out of your head that they are busy because they do not want to think anymore. Because maybe they really are not doing so well.

Still, that is all about me. Not about the person who is making me worry. Weird. In a way I am more worried about myself – about how this is affecting me, instead of actually fixing or trying to fix whatever is wrong. It is about how this is making me feel – not about how the person I am actually talking about feels.

Selfish. Self-obsessed. At least I am accurate and probably somewhat honest. There are times when I am happy that it is all about me. That is the way to be. This worrying about people is not fun. Caring for fools – who might actually be just fine – yeah totally not fun.

Then again, who would I be if I was not me. If I did not make friends who I could not let go of. If I did not care to the point of silly paranoia? If I did not worry. So I worry. I write a post because at the end of the day I am saner not knowing, thinking that maybe I am wrong – that I am paranoid and everything is all right.

Because I would feel much worse if it was not. Because either way, there is nothing I could do. Except almost cry in relief when I get a message – one that makes me realize that yep I am the paranoid one. Nothing is wrong.

I do freak out easily and whine a lot it would seem 😛