Posts Tagged ‘epiphany’

People do not change over night. You do not, you cannot, wake up one day and choose to be different than who you are. But you can change over time, gradually, sometimes so slowly, that you are a different person even before you realize it.

That realization comes later, from a word, a gesture or a thought. And it is quite profound when it comes.

I am a very open person. Whatever is happening in my life is known to multiple people at any given point in time. If they ever get together, they can weave a very detailed tapestry of my life.

It is here, on my blog, that I have been more reserved. People find it easier to speak out anonymously. I find it easier to share with people I know. No more. I made this blog so as to speak out. The only thing that has truly held me back is what I read somewhere – that once the words are out, they do not belong to the author, they belong to every reader and the interpretation is no longer what the author thought, but what the reader reads.

I have been depressed for nearly two years. It was a slide downhill ever since I got married. Discussing my marriage is not what I want to do today. But I learned a lot of things. I finally ‘grew up’. I lost the naivete and innocence I had had – without even realizing it. I was a shiny penny who thought the world only reflects yourself back to you. I learned that is not the case – and that I am a fool who trusts and loves too easily.

I am old school in all the wrong ways in a world which has moved forward. It sounds like so much self-justification but I am not listing my crimes or what was done to me. I have now felt real loneliness and I would never wish it on anyone. I have felt unrequited love and I hope no one has to go through this.

And I have changed. Today, I ranted on facebook:

To everyone wishing a #happywomensday and using said wishes to define women: a woman is a woman is a woman. Period. Its biology, not a mental state of being. Get over yourselves. I am a woman and I can celebrate that even if I am the worst excuse for a human being. Being a woman is not about being strong, managing family, having kids, having ANYTHING specific in fact, except ovaries (and not even that if you are trans). I will not celebrate getting out stronger when faced by problems, being the gentle and kind one. I refuse. Being a woman does not mean taking the high road. I am so so done with that.
Okay, rant over.

Because I am done. I changed. I am stronger, and it might be good in the long run – but I miss that innocence which I had. I miss my belief that the world was a genuinely good place – and that everyone has good intent, even if their actions do not match. I may have been a fool – but ignorance truly was bliss.

I have great friends. I have a very loving and supporting family. I have a doctor who listens to me. I have people who are willing to put everything aside and be there for me. I have that and now I know just how lucky I am to have it. I know that I was in situations where I could have been in real danger, except I was lucky that the people with me were decent human beings.

It is not about men vs. women. It is not about birth parents vs. in-laws. It is not even a husband vs. his wife. It is about nothing except fighting your own battles because no one else will do it for you. It is about growing up – because ignorance might be bliss, but at the end of the day, ignorance will only ensure that someone fools you.

I have grown up and it is today I am realizing that I have also grown a lot stronger. I knew the words, but now I finally believe: My happiness is my responsibility. My life is my responsibility. The world owes me nothing and it is up to me to make the best of the life I have been given.

I plan to keep growing, keep learning. I will not regain that naivete, but I will rebuild my belief that the world is a good place. I have changed and change is neither good or bad, it just is.

Recently there have been multiple earthquakes – with their epicenter in Nepal. While most of their destruction has been felt by Nepal, the tremors reverberated all across North India. Anyone in touch with Asian headlines should be aware of this. That is not exactly what this post is about. Its about an image. One single – very vivid image that was painted across my mind when I felt the tremors of the earthquake. They weren’t earthshaking (har-de-har) but they lasted nearly two minutes and from the balcony of a ninth story flat – they gave me one hell of a perspective.

Let me start painting my image for you:

I live in Gurgaon – fast becoming a city of high rises. I love it. But all I could see was the pretty granite floor below and the insignificant splat I would make on it. And with the tons of concrete (and other things that make up a building going on top) from my building, and the 10 or so buildings near it, no one would ever even find my bones.

I really don’t recommend being on a balcony during an earthquake. Or any calamity. Its not safe but it definitely makes you appreciate life more.

Once I got over the splat mark I would make on the ground – I actually wondered about the rest of NCR. And yep. the earthquake was still going and nope I had not evacuated – me and the two guys fixing up my AC.  Which in retrospect should have been the first thing for us to do.

And then it started dancing in front of my eyes and hasn’t stopped haunting me since. A picture of all these cool looking high rises – beautiful marvels of architectures – shattered beyond repair. Cracked by something so powerful, nothing made by man stands a chance. A land of broken wonders, left by its people because it is not habitable anymore – for years – simply because we could not retrieve all the rotting dead. Where you are just as likely to find a desiccated corpse as some lost valuable – and where finally those not wanted by society have started to creep in. Not wanted anywhere else, they have started to call this place home – have started picking on its bones like vultures.

Yes I do have a very active imagination. And yes, this can be any post-apocalyptic or dystopian landscape – but this wasn’t. This was India. No where else can ever become this travesty – because no one else has the numbers. We do. God help us, we do.