Getting There

Posted: September 27, 2016 by Arushi in Thoughts
Tags: , , , , , ,

I have talked about me multiple times on this blog. There is also a separate category for this – Thoughts. But I wonder if I have ever been bluntly honest. Usually I hide behind third person pronouns and rambling tags. It is so much harder to own up to my own mind than it is to pen my thoughts down.

I am halfway through Getting There by Manjula Padmanabhan. I think I got my courage and my inspiration to be so brutally honest from there.

I am not happy. I would say I am clinically depressed except I am not certain of the definition of clinically in this context. It just sounds more impersonal and more impressive than plain old depressed. I am having issues with my body image, with my sense of self. I am in a relationship – in a marriage – that has been rocky from before its inception. It is not that either of us is a bad person – but we are too different. In fact, somedays I feel we are as wrong for each other as it is possible to be. Somedays I love him more than life itself.

Our expectations, our ideologies, our attitudes towards gender roles – all of that is different. There is some deep level, where we have barely connected – except we did connect enough to still be together. I read a letter on a ‘psy-help’ website from a wife asking her husband – when will she be his first? As in, when, if ever, he will prioritize her – the way she has been prioritizing him from the moment they were engaged. She’s not sure he ever will. I am not sure he ever will, either. But then, I am not one of those who can keep on giving – asking for nothing in return. I am not that person. I do not think I could ever be.

To me, each relationship is a two-way street. So I gave up. That inner core of me which was happy – which loved him and just wanted his love, nothing else – has vanished somewhere.

Maybe I should try harder – maybe it is the ‘lot of women’ and someday my actions will make him understand what my words could never explain – but that is not who I am. So many people have tried to make me understand this. I do not. If you cannot put me first, I see no reason why I should do it – unless I still choose to. If you cannot love me how I love you, then you cannot complain when I change. What you cannot do for me or mine – you have no right to expect me to do for you or yours. If I do it – count your blessings – if I do not, then you better be fine with it.

I used to want the ‘whole package’ – husband, two kids – heck, I even wanted a white picket fence. Trying for that ‘perfect’ vision got me to understand that no matter how ‘perfect’ I try to be – I will never be good enough because I am just not wired that way and neither will anyone be able to meet my expectations from that pedestal. And being the person I am – I quit. It might have led to more rockiness in my relationships – but it did bring me closer to me. I studied closely what I wanted and what I had thought I wanted. That is one of the best things – for me – to come out of this whole thing. I no longer want kids. I do not even want a white picket fence – a house is so much harder to maintain – give me a spacious flat any day with a minimalistic decor. I now know I am happiest when I work – and I value my work over most other things in my life.

I have accepted that I am struggling with depression (and migraines – both existing in a symbiotic relationship) and no matter how much I want to blame others for it  – I too should have known not give anyone that kind of power over me. I know I will never make the same mistake again. There is no conclusion to this – because I am still here – still human in all my failings – with someone just as human who perhaps loves me too – otherwise why would he still be around?

In its unedited avatar – this post was too raw – one of the most honest things I have ever even thought of putting ‘out there’. Now it’s edited and still hitting that post button will be extremely hard for me. I am saying this here because where else would I say it?

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