Fixing People

Posted: May 8, 2013 by Arushi in Thoughts
Tags: , , , ,

Yuumei - Scene from Fisheye Placebo

There are times, when you simply have to sit back and watch as things go wrong. Not because you want to, not because you don’t want to do anything about it, not even because you cannot do what needs to be done.

Simply because there is nothing you can do.

It does not have to be something huge, but it is something that makes your heart hurt. Something you want to fix, but there is no fixing it.

It is an awful feeling to figure out, maybe incorrectly, that someone you love is hurting. Then it feels even worse when you realize that anything you can think of doing will only make it worse. Fixing it is beyond you – absolutely.

Whether it is getting mad at a doctor because she cannot heal your friend quickly enough, or it is feeling like hell because you think someone else is not doing so good. You are helpless and all you can do is feel it. A wound will heal in its own time. So will people – they just might take longer. But it is them that you want to fix immediately. You can understand a wound taking its own time – you cannot understand them doing the same.

Yet, you can do nothing but let them know that you are there, even if they choose to not acknowledge your presence. Then again, there are times when you cannot do even that. You can do nothing but wonder how someone is.

Maybe, just maybe, you are the one paranoid and the person you are worried about is fine. Just fine and exceptionally busy. That is so much better – only if you can keep the thought out of your head that they are busy because they do not want to think anymore. Because maybe they really are not doing so well.

Still, that is all about me. Not about the person who is making me worry. Weird. In a way I am more worried about myself – about how this is affecting me, instead of actually fixing or trying to fix whatever is wrong. It is about how this is making me feel – not about how the person I am actually talking about feels.

Selfish. Self-obsessed. At least I am accurate and probably somewhat honest. There are times when I am happy that it is all about me. That is the way to be. This worrying about people is not fun. Caring for fools – who might actually be just fine – yeah totally not fun.

Then again, who would I be if I was not me. If I did not make friends who I could not let go of. If I did not care to the point of silly paranoia? If I did not worry. So I worry. I write a post because at the end of the day I am saner not knowing, thinking that maybe I am wrong – that I am paranoid and everything is all right.

Because I would feel much worse if it was not. Because either way, there is nothing I could do. Except almost cry in relief when I get a message – one that makes me realize that yep I am the paranoid one. Nothing is wrong.

I do freak out easily and whine a lot it would seem 😛

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